Survivor's Guilt?

My daughter put that name to it last night, "Survivor's Guilt". I don't know if it's the right word for it, but it makes sense as much as anything. I sit here typing this the morning after learning of the death of little McKenna. My heart was so heavy yesterday, I cried so many tears, and I hugged my kids close.

Yesterday, the entire day just stopped. I made supper, hugged the kids, helped make arrangements for friends traveling in for the funeral...but my life went on hold. No work related items were done at all.  At the end of the day, as I broke down letting what remaining tears I had pour out in a mess at our son's bedtime, I realized that I felt guilty for needing to do the day to day tasks that are ahead of me.  I feel guilty thinking "tomorrow I have to have supper ready early because of scouts den meeting" and "during the day, I need to finish up pictures and posting a client's items and start the new client stuff"...I felt guilty for these things because it's like nothing had happened.  I think of McKenna's parents and I know they are broken, they are in a holding pattern...one I remember clearly.  That time between learning of the death and having the funeral.  I recall with my dad's death, just the feeling that time was suspended..life was on hold and when you heard of things happening "out there...in the world" during that time, you felt disconnected and frustrated that they would dare carry on during this time.

I know, logically, guilt is a useless emotion in this situation. I know that others, even McKenna's parents understand that life will continue and appointments need to be made, and met. But yet, I hold my children and I feel so heartbroken for the parents. I feel blessed and guilty that I have another day with my children, that I can check on my children and see them sleeping peacefully in their beds. As Kalissa said it last night, "you feel guilty that your children survived, that you haven't faced that."  Dang she's smart! :)

Just needed to put the words on paper I guess today, not looking for any words of wisdom or sympathy as much as needing to express myself. And now, I should do the things I must do today...