Ireland!

Final thoughts for the Ireland trip. I am glad that I invited Dawn, Chris and Steven to join me on this adventure. I woke this morning wondering how the trip would have gone without them there, and I don't think that I would have had as much fun. I would have found another person to tag along with, I am sure, but I would have also found myself alone more and I don't explore as much, when alone. I never would have ventured into Dinley and made the long down then uphill walk. I would have not tried different drinks or sampled as many foods.

Ireland was a dream of mine since I was roughly 11 yrs old, and this trip lived up to the hype. Sure, I would do things differently - booked in a way to allow more time at places and considered upgrading my seat for traveling to - but the bottom line is it was a trip of a lifetime for me. I hope the first of many to come.

The landscape of Ireland was beautiful and fresh. It was the type that you have to see to believe, photos do not do it justice. You can clearly see that tourism makes up the main industry there, because the shops were full tinkles and tourist stuff, but they didn't have the flashing lights and billboards of "home". I love that they protect their nature so much, ruins can't be touched or torn down, stone walls cannot be removed. Here we would destroy these in the name of progress, this is why we don't have beautiful things.

All in all, it was a wonderful trip and now, I am ready to book my next...

Life changes

My sister keep saying I should write a blog...I find that writing helps me when I'm dealing with emotional stuff within my life.  However, when I wrote out a bucket list recently, I added "write a blog regularly" to the list.  I used to write fiction stories, and even had a couple published in an online magazine. I love the characters, story line and making the stories come to life. But at the same time, I found that I can't write fiction unless the characters speak to me.  They tell me their stories, then I just write it down.

However, when life is busy, crazy and insane...like all the time...I found that I write about real life. So that's what this blog is about...real life.  It's a 40-something, single Mom, going through life.

So 9 days ago...I was told "I feel a lump in your breast".  Then within the same doctor visit, I hear "you have Type 2 Diabetes".  It's fun to get that One Two Punch...but it didn't stop there.  She also informed me that the bruise on my leg (from a fall in the river during the Labor Day Tubing trip) should have healed by now.

Yay...1 - 2 - 3...Wanna hit me with anything else there, Doc?!?

So the bruise is a small muscle knot. The doctor suggested I partner with a massage therapist who will help work out the knot.  I have also been massaging it myself every evening.  Not a big deal at all.

One down...Next came the Mammogram and an Ultrasound.  The lump she thought she found was nothing, and I'm back to routine mammograms every year, unless something else changes.

Now for the biggie -- Type 2 Diabetes.  It's a family tradition, I guess.  My grandmother, who I never met as she passed before my birth, and then my father both had diabetes.  Throw in a couple aunts and Yay! it's a family of bad insulin producing organs.

As of that day, I have been on a strict low-carb lifestyle change. This isn't a diet to me, this is a survival lifestyle. I have read, asked questions, and talked with friends. I know nurses who have given advice. I have talked to friends who have diabetes. The only bottom line I have found is -- everyone has an opinion or suggestion to give.

Now, it's time to filter out the good advice. I test, adjust, change and move forward as needed. I haven't opened a "box" for over a week! No processed foods; in fact, the major majority of my foods this past week has had no labels at all! 

So this week in review...

Low-carb taco salad - basically my family's favorite taco salad only eaten without any chips or burrito shell.  Extra yummy and enough left over for the next day's lunch.

Salmon and veggies - Pan seared salmon, zucchini, squash, mushrooms, and peppers.

Tonight, I baked pork chops, while making a salad. It's for tomorrow's lunch! Yum

Going forward...My kiddo asked for chili, so I will have to make a low-carb option. Unfortunately, my kiddo is used to chili having macaroni noodles within it.  They might have to learn to deal with it on the side.

But that will wait for 2 weeks, because in less than 2 days, I leave for Ireland! But before then, it's bed time.  Good night.

A Breakthrough - Follow up to A NWMS (Noblesville West Middle School) Mom - the last 6 days...

A few minutes ago I read a thread where someone asked (paraphrasing) "what can we do for the boy's family?".  As I read the comments I had a break through, which I posted in that thread, but I had so many people read my blog over the last 2 days, I need to make it here and hope that everyone who read the original will keep reading.

Friday morning, when we, the parents of the NWMS students, received that phone call that stopped our breathe and hearts...where the words "Active Shooter" rang out. If you heard the sirens, saw the police racing to the scene...whatever your story is - Take a Breathe, this will hit hard...it did for me -

The boy's parents received that same call.

They saw the same scene. They felt the same heart stopping panic and fear.

They worried that their son was injured. They held their phone as a lifeline wanting the call/text saying "I am safe".  

Not a single parent ever have the first thought of "Oh My God, MY child did this." 

Take a moment and let that sink in...they are parents just like you and me. They feared for their child. 

I was able to breathe each time I saw "I am safe" come up on my phone. I was able to breathe better, with each report that my son was safe and had located one of his friends.  I had the chance to hug my child until he begged me to let him breathe, and then do it again.

To the parents of this boy, I don't know you. I don't know your son. I don't know the whys or hows, and I likely never will.  But I feel for you. I forgive you. Tell me how I can support you, because you're a hurting parent just like me.

A NWMS (Noblesville West Middle School) Mom - the last 6 days...

I considered writing this before now, but then talked myself out of it.  I don't have the same story as so many of the Mothers from last Friday. My story is different, my emotions were different...but as I sit here at my desk struggling to work because my mind still goes back to Friday...the text messages, school messenger calls, etc.  So, here's the thoughts that I can't escape.

I left Wednesday, May 23, 2018 to travel to Michigan so that Thursday morning, I could travel to Pennsylvania with a client for 5 days on business. Thursday, after a long drive, we arrived, set up and went to sleep ready for the event to begin.  Friday, we headed to a local diner for breakfast and spend some free time before the event begins at noon. 

My phone rings...it's a client and friend who knew I was out of town.  His call was short..."Is your Son at the Middle School in Noblesville?" Yes..."The one on Hague Road?"  Yes? "You need to get to a TV".  I hung up because the Schools Automatic Line was ringing in...I was out of my seat heading out of the diner as soon as I heard the words "Active Shooter".  I don't even know what the rest of the message was...my brain shut down after those 2 words.  The others at the table said I gasped as I ran from the table. 

For the ones who knows me well, they know I have an abnormal attachment to my cellphone. Almost 15 years ago I lost my Dad.  It was one time my phone was powered off when they tried to reach me, and since then I get anxious whenever my phone gets a low charge or not in my hand. I have slowly started being able to leave my phone nearby, in my purse, case closed on the table...

As I leaned against the brick wall of the diner and the school call ends, I see these texts:

Son: I love you guys

Son: I am safe.

Group Text from my 14-yr old son at the NWMS to his Dad, older sister and myself.  

I typed back to him "Stay safe. I love you". I don't remember typing the words, but my phone shows I did. I remember my client touching my shoulder and telling me to breathe. He kept touching my shoulder telling me to breathe, while I cried and hyperventilated. At some point, I got out the words of what was happening. I can't tell you what I said; I can't tell you what he said, if anything. I remember holding my phone like a lifeline, my only connection to my baby. I can tell you tears ran down my cheeks, just as they are as I write this.  I can tell you I was hating myself for not being in Noblesville IN at that given moment, for having a "job", for leaving town, for earning a living. I can tell you my phone wasn't coming out of my hand again in those moments. By this point, my clients were working out a rough plan to get me back to Indiana, since my car was in Michigan, if needed...but I didn't even know that at the time. They were awesome though this.

About this time, my niece, Annie who is a teacher in Ohio, texts me, asking if this is J's school and if he's OK.  I sent a brief group text out to my siblings, nephews and niece...and I tried to just breathe.

My son was able to keep texting with his Dad, sister and I, plus the school messenger system called again. He kept telling us details, and that he was safe. He texted often that he was safe, I'm guessing he needed to keep reminding his Mom of that fact.  Good thing, because I had already thought I could hitch a ride down I-80 as I heard semi after semi pass nearby.  I hadn't heard my client plan to get me home if needed.

As they started to evacuate my son, he called.  I learned later my daughter was on the call too, but I didn't realize that. I just heard his voice. I was crying again, but this time more with relief than panic. This voice had never sounded so good in my ears. I needed that phone call.  He was on the bus headed to the High School.

Then I got the phone call saying the high school was on lock-down...The High School where they took my child (and others) to be SAFE!  I got PISSED! I wasn't outside waiting in the sun with the other parents, I was 2 states way, with my phone in my hand as a lifeline again.  My client was doing her best to keep my mind occupied and me busy, but I was PISSED. I knew in my gut that it was a hoax, someone being "funny", but had I gotten my hands on the person, the Momma Bear rage I felt would not have been funny.

Between School phone calls and family text messages, my brain kept going back and focusing on the timestamps of the text messages.  There were 2 minutes between those first 2 text messages. I couldn't stop thinking about those 2 minutes, what happened between, what could have happened. And unfortunately since my brain works in "What ifs" more than I would like...I thought too many times "what if the second message hadn't came?" Even though I knew by that point, that the shooter was taken down, my son was evacuated, I kept tearing up and feeling like my heart was in a vise about those 2 minutes.

At this point, I had not been on Facebook. My phone was my lifeline to my son, I didn't want to see news report or comments on Facebook. I was getting info from my son and the school messenger system. I wanted only to hear from my son, and see the running commendation between my kids and their Dad from inside and outside the HS.  But eventually, I did post on FB and read that other kids were safe. I started looking for posts for all of Scout Family, as well J told me when he found friends. The Scoutmaster and I spoke, so slowly I started breathing better as the morning went on.

Then it became a waiting game until I knew my son was released from the HS and was with his Dad and sister. I was able to hear his voice again once he was with them. He was one of the last ones to be released, but he was safe.

I checked in often over the weekend, more often than I normally would. I am a Scout Mom; I'm used to my son being away to Summer Camp and out of touch with me. I'm used to texting with him and his sister, when we need something, rather than just to "check in with each other". But I checked in a lot over the weekend.

Monday evening as I arrived back to town, I stopped at his Dad's apartment and hugged J until he begged me to let him breathe, then I hugged him some more.  Then I drove by the Middle School, and except for the Police barricades, it looked like a normal holiday, peaceful empty parking lot.  I remember thinking how it looked "normal"...but yet it felt creepy.

Tuesday, we went to empty his locker...now let me explain about my illusions...I had gotten myself to believe the illusion of my mind that J was on the far side of the school building. I couldn't have told you where Mr. Seaman's classroom was, nor where J's 2nd period classroom is located.  But in my mind, I believed there was distance....LOTS of distance.  As we walk to his locker, he points to the classroom he was in...and the storage room where they hid, then he pointed to where Mr. Seaman's classroom is.  IT WAS WAY TOO CLOSE! I thought I was doing pretty well, by that point, but no...next thing I know I have tears again. Suddenly, it's real.  Suddenly, I can't believe that my baby was never really in danger. I felt like I was reliving that phone call and those first few moments all over again.  But this time, my boy was standing beside me.  I was able to see him, touch him, and hug him.  Yes, I hugged him in the middle of the Middle School hallway and he couldn't stop me.

The range of emotions from Friday morning to even today has been extreme.  I have felt anger, fear, panic, love, pride, helplessness, protective, and everything in between.  I am still having moments where I feel guilty for being away from home when this happened. I have moments where I beat myself up for having a career that took me away from my kids at a time when they could be in danger. I have moments where I feel joy that J wasn't hurt. But then a bit of sadness that another Mom wasn't feeling that joy.  I have moments where I feel bad and wonder where we failed the boy who felt bringing guns to school was the right thing to do.  I admit I also  have moments where I wish the boy harm because he made that same decision.  I feel compassion for his parents, knowing they have to be hurting right now, but then I also feel anger wondering how a parent could "let this happen".  

But anyway...to wrap this up. I didn't write this for feedback, to be told "I'm so sorry" or that you're praying for us.  I didn't write this for anyone but myself, honestly.  I wrote this so that maybe my brain would quiet a bit...so I can go back to updating QuickBooks, scheduling appointments, creating reports, and researching bank transactions...instead of wondering what's the latest news, or is the media still outside the school or is my son handling this emotionally.  I wrote this so that I can make sense of what I am feeling, and maybe, just maybe, it will help another Mom or Dad out there feeling the same.

If you read this, feel free to leave a comment or not. But do one thing for me...Look at the people in your life: Tell the ones you love, that you love them.  Tell the ones who are hurting, that you're there for them, and most important, listen to them all.  My gut tells me this boy tried to tell someone-his parents, a teacher or a friend-that he was hurting...and now, we are all hurting.