Ok, compared to older generations, 20 years is nothing, but to our generation, 20 years in a single marriage is becoming rare. I would be the first to admit that we do not have the perfect marriage. I personally don't believe it exists, but that's me.
1. The little things that are might be an "slightly annoying cute little trait" before you marry will annoy the heck out of you when stress hits the relationship, so decide before you say "I Do" if you can live with it.
2. Ceremony lasts 30 minutes. Marriage lasts a lifetime, focus accordingly.
3. Spend time together but also allow some individual time. This is especially important once kids come along, "me time" for Mommy needs to be more than just going to the bathroom and locking the door to pee while a toddler cries on the other side of the door wanting Mommy. Likewise, and this is hard for stay at home Moms, Dad needs time to golf, play a game, or watch a game, even if he gets to go off to work every day while Mom is home with the kids day in and day out. As much as I want to argue that it is, truthfully, the commute to and from work and hours away from the couple/family at work isn't quality "me time". But also don't "work late" to get me time, it only cracks the trust.
4. Live on your own for a while before you marry, even if its an apartment in college. Better would be an apartment after college even, but mostly live on your own, so you're not going from Mommy & Daddy's roof to the married roof. You learn a lot about yourself living on your own. Also, wait to add children to the mix.
5. The perfect husband or wife doesn't exist. Recognizing that and compromising are a must.
6. There's a big difference between nagging and encouraging, and only the receiver can identify the difference! Words spoken once gets repeated in your spouse's mind for years to come, so choose them carefully.
7. Don't compare your marriage to anyone else's. Even if you share a roof, you don't know everything.
8. Ladies, sometimes you just need to vent. If you don't want him to offer suggestions or try to "fix", vent to your girlfriend, not your husband.
9. Face it, Men, your wife's best friend will know everything about your marriage. So learn to like her, because when the mud gets deep she can either help your wife dig through it or bury the body. And even if she says "yeah, he's a jerk" most times she will send her home after a couple drinks.
10. Men, stand up for your wife against the parents as needed. You are a new family, so you need new traditions which will be a blend of you both, if you work together. Ladies, seek your husband's advice instead of Dad's. I had a hard time of that in the early years, because my Daddy was a wonderful advisor, friend, and encourager who would also tell me flat out that I needed a kick in the butt.
11. Money causes fights when there is not enough and there are rarely enough. So learn to budget when you are young!
12. Needs change over time. "Seek permission rather than forgiveness" and "Pick your fights" are both mottos to live by. Communication is the key. You hear it over and over not because it's easy to say, but because it's true and it's harder to practice than it is to say.
13. Unfortunately, just because you're tired doesn't mean the lawn doesn't need mowed or the laundry and dishes done. Eventually, it has to be done and you might be just as tired when you realize there's no clean underwear or you lost the dog in the tall grass.
14. Leave plumbing & electrical work to the professions unless you are mechanically enabled. But then, your wife will enjoy telling *cough* embarrassing *cough* you for years to come with the story of how you manage to break a perfectly good functional toilet in your attempt to fix one with a slight leak.
15. Your husband is not your Dad. So don't compare the two. Your wife is not your Mom. So just because Dad could fix it or Mom made your favorite, doesn't mean you won't be finding a mechanic or eating a new favorite food. By the way, if your wife made your "favorite" for the first time, even with mom's recipe, don't say "yuck" or that "Well, it's not Mom's". Instead say "thank you" or "it's different; I appreciate you making it for me", unless you like sleeping with one eye open after hiding the knives, of course. Oh, and if you offer "Let's just go out to eat" in a tone that says "please no more of that!" immediately after a failed cooking attempt, it will end in tears, just saying!
16. "Food" is not an acceptable answer to "What would you like for supper?", just as "Whatever you want, it's fine" is not acceptable if you have your heart set on something. If you have no preference, say it and mean it. But know if you have no preference too long, you might just find veggies on your plate rather you like them or not!
17. Do not give up your bed. I know when family visits it's nice to offer your parents your bed and you take the couch sofa "bar in the back" bed. Don't do it! Offer the couch or a the kids bed. Do you really want yo get cozy with your lover after yours or his parents have been in your bed??? I don't. In my mind, it goes with keeping the marriage bed pure, no one sleeps in our bed.
18. Work together and play together. Cook supper together, clean the house, go for a walk, play cards, swing in a porch swing. Life has big moments, but a marriage is won or lost in the little moments.
19. Own your mistakes. We all make them, we avoid and get embarrassed, but we still make them. Own up to the fact you made one and say and mean "I am sorry" and ask for forgiveness. With that give forgiveness, even if your can't immediately. It's OK to say "I need time".
20. Laugh easily, often, and mostly at yourself!
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