Ireland!

Final thoughts for the Ireland trip. I am glad that I invited Dawn, Chris and Steven to join me on this adventure. I woke this morning wondering how the trip would have gone without them there, and I don't think that I would have had as much fun. I would have found another person to tag along with, I am sure, but I would have also found myself alone more and I don't explore as much, when alone. I never would have ventured into Dinley and made the long down then uphill walk. I would have not tried different drinks or sampled as many foods.

Ireland was a dream of mine since I was roughly 11 yrs old, and this trip lived up to the hype. Sure, I would do things differently - booked in a way to allow more time at places and considered upgrading my seat for traveling to - but the bottom line is it was a trip of a lifetime for me. I hope the first of many to come.

The landscape of Ireland was beautiful and fresh. It was the type that you have to see to believe, photos do not do it justice. You can clearly see that tourism makes up the main industry there, because the shops were full tinkles and tourist stuff, but they didn't have the flashing lights and billboards of "home". I love that they protect their nature so much, ruins can't be touched or torn down, stone walls cannot be removed. Here we would destroy these in the name of progress, this is why we don't have beautiful things.

All in all, it was a wonderful trip and now, I am ready to book my next...

Life changes

My sister keep saying I should write a blog...I find that writing helps me when I'm dealing with emotional stuff within my life.  However, when I wrote out a bucket list recently, I added "write a blog regularly" to the list.  I used to write fiction stories, and even had a couple published in an online magazine. I love the characters, story line and making the stories come to life. But at the same time, I found that I can't write fiction unless the characters speak to me.  They tell me their stories, then I just write it down.

However, when life is busy, crazy and insane...like all the time...I found that I write about real life. So that's what this blog is about...real life.  It's a 40-something, single Mom, going through life.

So 9 days ago...I was told "I feel a lump in your breast".  Then within the same doctor visit, I hear "you have Type 2 Diabetes".  It's fun to get that One Two Punch...but it didn't stop there.  She also informed me that the bruise on my leg (from a fall in the river during the Labor Day Tubing trip) should have healed by now.

Yay...1 - 2 - 3...Wanna hit me with anything else there, Doc?!?

So the bruise is a small muscle knot. The doctor suggested I partner with a massage therapist who will help work out the knot.  I have also been massaging it myself every evening.  Not a big deal at all.

One down...Next came the Mammogram and an Ultrasound.  The lump she thought she found was nothing, and I'm back to routine mammograms every year, unless something else changes.

Now for the biggie -- Type 2 Diabetes.  It's a family tradition, I guess.  My grandmother, who I never met as she passed before my birth, and then my father both had diabetes.  Throw in a couple aunts and Yay! it's a family of bad insulin producing organs.

As of that day, I have been on a strict low-carb lifestyle change. This isn't a diet to me, this is a survival lifestyle. I have read, asked questions, and talked with friends. I know nurses who have given advice. I have talked to friends who have diabetes. The only bottom line I have found is -- everyone has an opinion or suggestion to give.

Now, it's time to filter out the good advice. I test, adjust, change and move forward as needed. I haven't opened a "box" for over a week! No processed foods; in fact, the major majority of my foods this past week has had no labels at all! 

So this week in review...

Low-carb taco salad - basically my family's favorite taco salad only eaten without any chips or burrito shell.  Extra yummy and enough left over for the next day's lunch.

Salmon and veggies - Pan seared salmon, zucchini, squash, mushrooms, and peppers.

Tonight, I baked pork chops, while making a salad. It's for tomorrow's lunch! Yum

Going forward...My kiddo asked for chili, so I will have to make a low-carb option. Unfortunately, my kiddo is used to chili having macaroni noodles within it.  They might have to learn to deal with it on the side.

But that will wait for 2 weeks, because in less than 2 days, I leave for Ireland! But before then, it's bed time.  Good night.

A Breakthrough - Follow up to A NWMS (Noblesville West Middle School) Mom - the last 6 days...

A few minutes ago I read a thread where someone asked (paraphrasing) "what can we do for the boy's family?".  As I read the comments I had a break through, which I posted in that thread, but I had so many people read my blog over the last 2 days, I need to make it here and hope that everyone who read the original will keep reading.

Friday morning, when we, the parents of the NWMS students, received that phone call that stopped our breathe and hearts...where the words "Active Shooter" rang out. If you heard the sirens, saw the police racing to the scene...whatever your story is - Take a Breathe, this will hit hard...it did for me -

The boy's parents received that same call.

They saw the same scene. They felt the same heart stopping panic and fear.

They worried that their son was injured. They held their phone as a lifeline wanting the call/text saying "I am safe".  

Not a single parent ever have the first thought of "Oh My God, MY child did this." 

Take a moment and let that sink in...they are parents just like you and me. They feared for their child. 

I was able to breathe each time I saw "I am safe" come up on my phone. I was able to breathe better, with each report that my son was safe and had located one of his friends.  I had the chance to hug my child until he begged me to let him breathe, and then do it again.

To the parents of this boy, I don't know you. I don't know your son. I don't know the whys or hows, and I likely never will.  But I feel for you. I forgive you. Tell me how I can support you, because you're a hurting parent just like me.

A NWMS (Noblesville West Middle School) Mom - the last 6 days...

I considered writing this before now, but then talked myself out of it.  I don't have the same story as so many of the Mothers from last Friday. My story is different, my emotions were different...but as I sit here at my desk struggling to work because my mind still goes back to Friday...the text messages, school messenger calls, etc.  So, here's the thoughts that I can't escape.

I left Wednesday, May 23, 2018 to travel to Michigan so that Thursday morning, I could travel to Pennsylvania with a client for 5 days on business. Thursday, after a long drive, we arrived, set up and went to sleep ready for the event to begin.  Friday, we headed to a local diner for breakfast and spend some free time before the event begins at noon. 

My phone rings...it's a client and friend who knew I was out of town.  His call was short..."Is your Son at the Middle School in Noblesville?" Yes..."The one on Hague Road?"  Yes? "You need to get to a TV".  I hung up because the Schools Automatic Line was ringing in...I was out of my seat heading out of the diner as soon as I heard the words "Active Shooter".  I don't even know what the rest of the message was...my brain shut down after those 2 words.  The others at the table said I gasped as I ran from the table. 

For the ones who knows me well, they know I have an abnormal attachment to my cellphone. Almost 15 years ago I lost my Dad.  It was one time my phone was powered off when they tried to reach me, and since then I get anxious whenever my phone gets a low charge or not in my hand. I have slowly started being able to leave my phone nearby, in my purse, case closed on the table...

As I leaned against the brick wall of the diner and the school call ends, I see these texts:

Son: I love you guys

Son: I am safe.

Group Text from my 14-yr old son at the NWMS to his Dad, older sister and myself.  

I typed back to him "Stay safe. I love you". I don't remember typing the words, but my phone shows I did. I remember my client touching my shoulder and telling me to breathe. He kept touching my shoulder telling me to breathe, while I cried and hyperventilated. At some point, I got out the words of what was happening. I can't tell you what I said; I can't tell you what he said, if anything. I remember holding my phone like a lifeline, my only connection to my baby. I can tell you tears ran down my cheeks, just as they are as I write this.  I can tell you I was hating myself for not being in Noblesville IN at that given moment, for having a "job", for leaving town, for earning a living. I can tell you my phone wasn't coming out of my hand again in those moments. By this point, my clients were working out a rough plan to get me back to Indiana, since my car was in Michigan, if needed...but I didn't even know that at the time. They were awesome though this.

About this time, my niece, Annie who is a teacher in Ohio, texts me, asking if this is J's school and if he's OK.  I sent a brief group text out to my siblings, nephews and niece...and I tried to just breathe.

My son was able to keep texting with his Dad, sister and I, plus the school messenger system called again. He kept telling us details, and that he was safe. He texted often that he was safe, I'm guessing he needed to keep reminding his Mom of that fact.  Good thing, because I had already thought I could hitch a ride down I-80 as I heard semi after semi pass nearby.  I hadn't heard my client plan to get me home if needed.

As they started to evacuate my son, he called.  I learned later my daughter was on the call too, but I didn't realize that. I just heard his voice. I was crying again, but this time more with relief than panic. This voice had never sounded so good in my ears. I needed that phone call.  He was on the bus headed to the High School.

Then I got the phone call saying the high school was on lock-down...The High School where they took my child (and others) to be SAFE!  I got PISSED! I wasn't outside waiting in the sun with the other parents, I was 2 states way, with my phone in my hand as a lifeline again.  My client was doing her best to keep my mind occupied and me busy, but I was PISSED. I knew in my gut that it was a hoax, someone being "funny", but had I gotten my hands on the person, the Momma Bear rage I felt would not have been funny.

Between School phone calls and family text messages, my brain kept going back and focusing on the timestamps of the text messages.  There were 2 minutes between those first 2 text messages. I couldn't stop thinking about those 2 minutes, what happened between, what could have happened. And unfortunately since my brain works in "What ifs" more than I would like...I thought too many times "what if the second message hadn't came?" Even though I knew by that point, that the shooter was taken down, my son was evacuated, I kept tearing up and feeling like my heart was in a vise about those 2 minutes.

At this point, I had not been on Facebook. My phone was my lifeline to my son, I didn't want to see news report or comments on Facebook. I was getting info from my son and the school messenger system. I wanted only to hear from my son, and see the running commendation between my kids and their Dad from inside and outside the HS.  But eventually, I did post on FB and read that other kids were safe. I started looking for posts for all of Scout Family, as well J told me when he found friends. The Scoutmaster and I spoke, so slowly I started breathing better as the morning went on.

Then it became a waiting game until I knew my son was released from the HS and was with his Dad and sister. I was able to hear his voice again once he was with them. He was one of the last ones to be released, but he was safe.

I checked in often over the weekend, more often than I normally would. I am a Scout Mom; I'm used to my son being away to Summer Camp and out of touch with me. I'm used to texting with him and his sister, when we need something, rather than just to "check in with each other". But I checked in a lot over the weekend.

Monday evening as I arrived back to town, I stopped at his Dad's apartment and hugged J until he begged me to let him breathe, then I hugged him some more.  Then I drove by the Middle School, and except for the Police barricades, it looked like a normal holiday, peaceful empty parking lot.  I remember thinking how it looked "normal"...but yet it felt creepy.

Tuesday, we went to empty his locker...now let me explain about my illusions...I had gotten myself to believe the illusion of my mind that J was on the far side of the school building. I couldn't have told you where Mr. Seaman's classroom was, nor where J's 2nd period classroom is located.  But in my mind, I believed there was distance....LOTS of distance.  As we walk to his locker, he points to the classroom he was in...and the storage room where they hid, then he pointed to where Mr. Seaman's classroom is.  IT WAS WAY TOO CLOSE! I thought I was doing pretty well, by that point, but no...next thing I know I have tears again. Suddenly, it's real.  Suddenly, I can't believe that my baby was never really in danger. I felt like I was reliving that phone call and those first few moments all over again.  But this time, my boy was standing beside me.  I was able to see him, touch him, and hug him.  Yes, I hugged him in the middle of the Middle School hallway and he couldn't stop me.

The range of emotions from Friday morning to even today has been extreme.  I have felt anger, fear, panic, love, pride, helplessness, protective, and everything in between.  I am still having moments where I feel guilty for being away from home when this happened. I have moments where I beat myself up for having a career that took me away from my kids at a time when they could be in danger. I have moments where I feel joy that J wasn't hurt. But then a bit of sadness that another Mom wasn't feeling that joy.  I have moments where I feel bad and wonder where we failed the boy who felt bringing guns to school was the right thing to do.  I admit I also  have moments where I wish the boy harm because he made that same decision.  I feel compassion for his parents, knowing they have to be hurting right now, but then I also feel anger wondering how a parent could "let this happen".  

But anyway...to wrap this up. I didn't write this for feedback, to be told "I'm so sorry" or that you're praying for us.  I didn't write this for anyone but myself, honestly.  I wrote this so that maybe my brain would quiet a bit...so I can go back to updating QuickBooks, scheduling appointments, creating reports, and researching bank transactions...instead of wondering what's the latest news, or is the media still outside the school or is my son handling this emotionally.  I wrote this so that I can make sense of what I am feeling, and maybe, just maybe, it will help another Mom or Dad out there feeling the same.

If you read this, feel free to leave a comment or not. But do one thing for me...Look at the people in your life: Tell the ones you love, that you love them.  Tell the ones who are hurting, that you're there for them, and most important, listen to them all.  My gut tells me this boy tried to tell someone-his parents, a teacher or a friend-that he was hurting...and now, we are all hurting.

Christmas 2014 Letter

Dearest Family & Friends,                                                                                        Christmas 2014

Once again, it's Christmas letter time. I refuse to say “It seems like I just wrote a Christmas letter yesterday, and now it's time again?”. I really refuse to say that, because that would imply the year went fast, and I'm getting older...and well, that just can't happen!

Every year, I get reports of how much everyone loves receiving our Christmas letter. Our friends and family seem to like my cute stories about how wonderful our children are, because let's face it, everyone brags on their kids during the Annual Christmas letter. It's like an unwritten law or something...”parents must brag on their kids at least once a year, in writing, and then send it to all their family and friends.” Didn't you get that memo??

So this year, I decided to go a little different with the Christmas letter...Here goes...

Chancey still barks at everything and everyone who come within 50 feet of our house. It doesn't matter if she knows the person or not, doesn't matter if there's another dog around. She still must inform the humans in the house that “hey, look, there's someone there.” So don't try to sneak around my house, because the dog is on the job!

Jacob is a head-strong, hyper boy, who likes to run around the house in his underwear and leave a trail of clothes. Luckily, he's only 11 and he keeps this habit limited to our home, so there's still hope he will out grow it before he becomes a teenager. But if you plan to stop by, especially if you have daughters, you might want to give me a heads up otherwise, you might see “Boxer Boy” darting for clothes.

Kalissa is a teenage girl. Do I really need to say more? Oh yeah, a teenage girl with a part time job (read “money to spend”) and the ability to drive (freedom). I'm still waiting for my order of “Drama Be-Gone” to arrive. Apparently it's on backorder with no shipment date available.

How's that for bragging? Now for the highlights from 2014! **drum roll please**

Kalissa became a legal driver, started her Junior year of High School, started reminding me often that in less than 2 years she will be “gone away to college”. (not sure if that's a threat or a promise...jury is still out, depends on the day).

Jacob crossed over from Cub Scouts to Boy Scouts, which was somewhat bittersweet. He had a wonderful Cub Scout experience with an awesome leader, but the Boy Scout Troop he found to call home is also wonderful. I can see Scouting being a major part of his future development. He started 5^th grade, decided reading isn't the most terrible thing to do, but still would rather play a video game than crack open a book. He also decided this year to give his life to Christ and was baptized on his 11^th birthday.

We got to have another daughter for 3 weeks this year, Lea Dietrich, a High School student from Usingen Germany came to stay with us. She's part of the Noblesville-Usingen Exchange program, which Kalissa is participating. Lea was a wonderful additional to our family. We loved having her here, learning about her culture, seeing our own culture via her eyes. You never really live until you try to explain some American slang phase to a foreign teenager who is looking at you like you have 2 heads! Kalissa is looking forward to spending time with Lea's family this coming June.

In other news, David continues on with Conseco CNO Financial working in their IT dept. I am still at home most of the time with the kids, volunteering at their school and helping out where I can at church. I also started a part-time job in Dec. I am working with a Realtor group as their assistant. I really love the work and learning a new industry! Also, 3 days before Thanksgiving a neighbor's tree fell on our house. Nothing like glass flying and 40mph winds going though your home to make you count your blessings and be grateful that no one was hurt as you celebrate Thanksgiving. The house is being repaired and our family moves forward into 2015 knowing that God is taking care of us.

I hope this Christmas letter finds you and your family healthy, happy and in good cheer. We wish you a very Merry Christmas and the happiest of all New Years.

With love, David, Lisa, Kalissa and Jacob Brown

For my baby girl

Dearest Kalissa,

A few years ago on Jacob's birthday, I wrote out the story of my pregnancy and his birth.  I did it mostly to remember all the little details, because I was so happy that he was a strong, healthy, fun loving little boy when at a time, it seemed he might not make it to our family.  Today, I remember the first pregnancy and your birth.

Daddy and I had been married, not quite 5 years, both working full time, just brought a house, gotten a 2nd car, and was truly living the nice life as DINKs (Double Income No Kids).  There was money in the bank account, we could buy what we wanted, go out to eat or the movies without guilt or without advance planning!  It was a nice life.  But the house had 3 bedrooms, and one of them would look so cute with a crib in it, I thought. 

Our friends, Jim & Vicki Vaught were living in Portland, OR. I would have to look up the exact date, it's in your baby book, but I think it was sometime in Feb. They were visiting, and so we had lots of college friends in our house that weekend. I wasn't feeling great. I was getting worried that I had a touch of that stomach flu that was going around work.  But I wasn't sick, just queasy. Vicki, being a nurse, asked me if I could be pregnant.  I told her I could be, but didn't know.  Well, she decided it was time for me to find out! :)  Drug Store, bathroom...3 minutes...and Vicki & Dawn watching me walk out of the bathroom.  I avoided their question and went to find your Daddy.  He, of course, was manning the grill cooking hamburgers and hot dogs for an army of friends.  In true David fashion, I whispered the news in his ear, he looked at me and asked if I was sure. I showed him the pee stick, he said "OK", gave me a kiss and went right back to flipping his hamburgers!

We went until the beginning of March to tell the family.  Your Mamaw & Papaw came to visit one weekend so we gave them the news on a Saturday. Your Aunt Sue called that morning, while Dad and Mom was on the road to our house, and started asking questions because she said I sounded "sick".  So she figured it out just minutes before Mom and Dad arrived and got the news themselves.  The next day, Sunday, we meet your Grandma & Grandpa Brown for lunch celebrating their wedding anniversary.  It was O'Charley's.  Your Daddy handed them a card and said "We couldn't wrap your gift, but hopefully you're like it."  The card read something about "Happy Anniversary to my Grandparents" and was signed "Can't wait to meet you in October".  Your Grandpa Brown didn't notice that it said Grandparents until after Grandma pointed it out. :)

Remember that "queasy feeling" back a second ago?  Well, Little Kalissa, you made Momma sick!  After the first week, I really didn't have the queasy feeling much, I actually felt great, until...without a bit of warning, suddenly I was sick. I would get maybe a minute warning to rush to the restroom or the nearest trashcan or 32 oz cup before anything I had eaten was visible.  Doctor watched me for dehydration, watched my iron levels, watched me for too much weight loss.  I think in that first couple weeks I lost between 10-15 lbs.  I worked full time, but carried an empty 32oz plastic cup with me everywhere I went.  I lived those first few weeks on the idea that everyone told me "morning sickness ends about week 14".  Well, let me tell you some truths about morning sickness...

•  "Morning" sickness is not limited to the morning.  It can strike all day, at any time, and more than once per day.
• Morning sickness "normally" begins around week 6 and ends around week 14.  For me, it began about week 4 and ended the morning I delivered you. Seriously! For Real.
• Morning sickness varies greatly by person and by pregnancies!
• Some believe that morning sickness is a sign of a healthy baby and pregnancy. This I also believe.  I never worried about you or Jacob while I was having morning sickness.

In July, we went to Canada with the youth group from Northside CoC.  I didn't know I would be pregnant when we agreed to go with the teens. I remember praying for weeks and having everyone else pray for me, "Please Lord, don't make me vomit in a strangers house during this trip. Oh and don't make me vomit in front of all the teens, please Lord."  This was my prayer every single time I was hugging the toilet or trashcan.  The morning that we were leaving to head to the church to load up and head north, I got sick at home.  The night we returned after 10 days in Canada, I got sick at home.  There is power in prayer!  I didn't get sick once while in Canada or on that trip! :)

In Sept, Mom and Dad moved to the new house, and the first weekend hosted a baby shower for you. They made chili and it was good, but of course that good old "Morning sickness" thing.  I "went for a walk" when I felt it coming and your cousin Caleb decided he would walk with Aunt Lisa.  He was around Jacob's age now then.  I give him credit for staying there with me and not running back to the house, but we returned to the house and I heard him tell his Dad (Uncle Bob) and my Dad (Papaw) "I am NEVER going for a walk with Aunt Lisa again!  She puked...would walk a couple steps and puke again..." Disclaimer, your Daddy did suggest to him that he might not want to go, but he went anyway.

In mid-Oct, the Bowers did it's annual Stone Soup.  We did it at the farm house, which you know as Calvin & Ronitta's house. That was my home growing up. After dark, your Uncle Calvin took everyone on a hay ride.  I'm pretty sure the roads of Shelby County were trying to bounce you out!

Friday, Oct 24, I was working full time, tired by the end of the day but overall felt pretty good.  We had Friday afternoon staff meetings every week. At the end of the staff meeting that week, James, the Director of IT, said "now everyone wave bye to Lisa because we won't see her next week."  I thought he was just confused by his dates, easily done with him, so I said "oh no, I have another week before my leave begins."  He just smiled and said "we'll see".

Saturday, Oct 25, I don't recall what we did but a normal weekend then was catching up on cleaning, laundry, and playing games or cards with all your honorary aunts/uncles in the Southern Indiana area (Jim, Greg, Paul, Dawn, Marcie, etc)

Sunday, Oct 26, normal day...church in the morning, afternoon naps, church in the evening.  We always went out for supper with others from Church afterwards, so we got home and turned on the TV.  I think we watched some show we liked on Sunday evenings, then flipped the channels and realized it was the bottom of the 9th for the final game of the world series.  It was the Cleveland Indians and the Florida Marlins.  We figured we would watch the end, and be able to chat about the game at work tomorrow.  The game went into 11 innings!  I think only 3 other world series final games have gone into extra innings.  We finally went to bed after 1am.

Monday, Oct 27 2am - I wake with a feeling that I wet myself.  Not a feeling I really liked and my first thought was that you kicked my bladder. I did a shuffle to the restroom, cleaned myself up a bit, and realized that I needed to call the doctor.  Called the OB night number, told them I thought my water had broken...I was told to come into the hospital.  I woke your Dad. We gathered items, left for the hospital.  Arrived to Floyd Memorial and was taken up to a room.  I was having a few little pains/contractions but nothing major.

About 3am the nurses were done messing with me, and so I decided it was time to let my parents know. Papaw had told me to call when I was having this baby, and I was a Daddy's girl so I wanted my Daddy to know we were at the hospital.  He answered on about the 2nd or 3rd ring, and I said "Daddy, Guess where I am?"  He grumbled something like "you better be at the hospital if you're calling me at 3am" Then he told me call again after daylight.

About 5am the Doctor told me I wasn't having contractions and with my water broke, we needed to "move this along".  So they gave me a medicine in my IV and also put an internal monitor in your head (that's not fun...let me tell you!)  They were worried about your heart rate, but the new monitor showed all was great with you.

Between 5am and 9am, the medicine they gave me started working....if the goal was for me to suddenly start feeling like my body was being torn apart from the inside.  Oh by the way, we also decided and insisted that I was doing this naturally without pain meds.  The best way I know to describe a contraction is to suddenly feel like every muscle in your middle (chest to thighs) tighten really tight then do The Wave, only they don't release until the wave has gone from top to bottom and back again.  They say they only last seconds, but when you're in one, they feel like FOREVER.

The hospital room had this huge clock right across from the head of my bed, so I could watch it's hands move slowly around the clock.  I was so tired, my body would dose off between contractions and then wake with a start when one began.  At 9am, I remember this clearly because of those big hands on the clock, the nurse came to check me.  She told us that I was "maybe 5 centimeters and fully effaced".  She then said "At this rate, the baby will make an appearance around Noon or so".  This was the same nurse who had laughed at me when I said I was delivering this baby without pain meds, by the way.

At 9:10am, I told your Daddy suddenly "Go get the nurse! Somethings happening!"  He asked what I mean, and I said I think my body is pushing.  I didn't know, all I knew was something was different about that contraction and my body felt like it wanted to push something out.  I listened as Daddy told the nurse that I was ready to push.  The nurse laughed, I heard her tell him "I just checked her, there's no way she's ready to push".  Your Daddy insisted and finally the nurse agreed to come tell me herself that I wasn't ready to push.  She walked in still laughing and mumbling something about "first time mothers", lifted my blanket, looked down, looked up with a little bit of a deer in highlights look, and said "Hmm you're crowning.  It's time to have a baby".  She wasn't laughing then.

Suddenly there activity level went from zero to 60 in our room, the doctor walked in, pretty much just in time to catch you.  You were born at 9:56am on a Monday morning, very similar to this one.  You were 19.5 inches long and 6 lbs 0 oz.  You screamed immediately to tell the world you had arrived.  After they cleaned you up and checked you out, I held you for the first time, checked out your fingers and toes, introduced you to the doctor and nurses as Kalissa Michelle Brown.  

Your daddy didn't pass out during my labor, but a nurse did escort him to the couch as soon as you were born and he was looking a little white.  There's other details here and there, that you might have heard over time.  

I loved you from that day back in Feb when I learned you were coming and I love you more today. You are a beautiful girl, inside and out. Your heart is so tender and loving, your mind so incredible.  You challenge me in how I think, how I speak, you have taught me more about life and love than I knew I was lacking.  I hope I have blessed you as much as you have blessed our lives.  I love you, BabyGirl! :)

I love you forever,

I like you for always,

As long as I'm living,

My baby you'll be.

~Mom

Weight, Pre-diabetes, Exercise, and Encouragement

When it comes to our health, little changes can have huge impact!  In Nov '13, I was told my blood sugar was "within pre-diabetes" range.  After losing my dad way too young due to diabetes, this didn't come as a surprise. I knew I was high risk, but it was still upsetting to get that news. In Apr '14, I went back, I had made a couple attempts at lowering it, but wasn't doing too great. I had lost 2 lbs, but face it, I can lose 2 lbs by drinking extra water, that's nothing!  To be honest, I wasn't ready to commit to the change, and I was in denial that it was really that bad. I argued that the tests had to be off somehow, anything but the fact that I was slowly killing myself by not making changes.

The doctor wanted to put me on medicine that day, but I am stubborn and I asked for 6 months. I walked out of that office visit frustrated because the doctor made it sound like I couldn't do this without medicine.  Maybe that was her first mistake, because if you know me, the fastest way to see me do something is to tell me I can't do it.  I had a decision to make that day...I could continue and end up on medicine the rest of my life or I could decide to change.  I wish I could say I made the decision that day, but honestly I still struggled with it...until about May, then I got serious in June.

Today, was my follow up appointment after that 6 months.  I don't mean to brag, but my weight is down, my blood sugar levels are down, and overall, I just feel better.  The doctor said "I have only seen one other patient in all my years of practice lower their numbers this much in just 6 months".  I still have my sweet tea, I still have a soda every once in a while. I still have a sweet treat, and sugary creamer in my coffee. I haven't denied myself any food, but I'm conscious of everything that goes into my mouth.  I also work out, 6 days a week.  Even when I don't feel like it, even when I don't want to do it.  I work out. I do it.

I have some awesome friends who have encouraged me along the way. I won't name them, because they don't want to be named. But know, I couldn't have done it without you!  To my personal trainer, who shall be nameless, THANK YOU for pushing me and holding me accountable even when you knew I might dislike you at times for it. I promise I will eventually read all the handouts you have given me to read, but I seriously doubt I will ever enjoy a plank.

If you're struggling with weight, working out, diabetes, or anything, keep putting one foot in front of the other.  It seems like an almost stupid concept, but trust me...when I didn't want to run, or even walk, when I was questioning why I'm doing this again, I kept telling myself "put one foot in front of the other".  Eventually, I "one footed" myself back home...having completed my workout.

If you see someone overweight out trying to run or even walking in front of your house, smile at them, shout out "good job" or "keep going".  If it's me, I can promise you, I will turn 90 shades of red, but deep down it will put an extra push in my step.

If you're the support person of someone who is struggling, I can give you 2 big pointers...

1) You can say the same words and one day they will be Nagging and another Encouraging.  It's not you, it's how we hear them.  Even if we get mad, continue to encourage and "Should you be eating that?" is never encouraging, just saying ;)

2) The person has to make the decision to change, no matter how much you encourage, nag, offer, or complain, until the person is ready to make the change for her/himself, it won't happen.  Be patience and love them.

I have two sayings that I have found online that I keep places where I see them often "It hurts now but one day it will be your warm-up" I'm holding to that promise!  The second is "I might not be there yet, but I'm closer than I was yesterday."  Yay Me!